Doubt is healthy. It tests one's convictions." ~From the movie Haunted
This weekend has been wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. But I feel somewhat frustrated...... discouraged..... yes, that's the better word.....DISCOURAGED...discouraged that my weight loss has stalled ...discouraged because I'm not sure how to "do" this business idea.....discouraged that I can't seem to get even 50 followers here on the blog..... discouraged that I can't seem to get anyone to sign up for the swap I posted earlier this week.....discouraged because it seems that only a few people that know and love me read this blog. And if they do, is it only because they do so from a sense of obligation and loyalty? And along with all this comes my "oddball" feeling, which I shall explain further into this.
"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." ~William Wordsworth
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I write for my own gratification. It is my outlet and helps keep me sane at certain times. Asking me to stop writing is like asking me to cut off my own hand! Something I cannot fathom. Even if it's just a handful of faithful friends and "fam" that read my ramblings, so be it.
"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." ~Author Unknown
Oh, I forgot to mention that I think I've been flaked on in another major swap......the second time in the last 3 months. Not a pleasant experience, I assure you. In all the swaps I have participated, this has never happened to me, although I had heard ugly tales of flaking and flakers.
"I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu." ~Jane Wagner
And the stall in my weight loss? Well, it is what it is. My RA meds seem to be interfering somewhat. I am on a yo-yo. Back and forth. This week I have lost about 3.5 pounds so far, but next week when I take my Humira shot, it will probably shoot back up by those 4 pounds and then some. My solution? Not quite sure yet. But a gym membership may be in my very near future. I don't have the money for both Weight Watchers AND a gym. In the meantime, while I am trying to cope with this problem, I have to make a commitment to ratchet up the walking and exercising, something that I have let dreadfully slip over the past 5 months. And I know that the exercise increase will help my frame of mind.
I am, and will remain, faithfully committed to my Weight Watchers program no matter what, and that, my friends, is a very good thing. I've missed a lot of meetings recently, partly because of my schedule, partly because of this funk I'm in. So I have to make a promise to myself that I will push WW meetings up on my priority list. I often say that I'm like a drunk with alcohol, such is my relationship with food. WW is my AA. "Hello, my name is Pam and I have been fat free for one week." Or maybe it's my weekly confessional: "Forgive me, Weight Watchers, for I have sinned." Whichever, along with the exercise commitment, I pledge that I will go to my WW meetings, no matter what. It keeps me grounded, for sure. No excuses, no going back. I REFUSE to go back to the way I was and that, my friends, is half the battle won right there!
"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity." ~Christopher Morley
As for the "oddball" syndrome....I realize that sometimes I am hard "to get". I'm just a little on the eccentric, eclectic side. I understand that, I do. I have been that way all my life. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to do all I want to do, learn all I want to learn, create all the things I can, write all I want to share, laugh all I want to laugh. My daughters and my sisters have the same "problem", though I would hardly call it that. Maybe "character trait" is the better term to implement in this case. I often explain this feeling as "being in left field, while everyone else is playing in right field." It's a feeling of not "fitting in", but with the added dimension of not really wanting to, of not wanting to settle for a mediocre or mundane life, of running the risk of being ostracized. The circumstances of my life make it somewhat limiting but that doesn't mean I can't endeavor to make it as interesting and as fun and as joyful as I possibly can. And if that makes me a little bit "different", so be it. So I "get it" when I know that people don't quite know how to take me or how to think of me. And that's okay........ it's just that at times like this, I feel the difference. But I wouldn't be otherwise.
A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." ~Alan Sherman
Don't worry, I tell myself. All this, too, shall pass. And it will, I know that. Confession is good for the soul. I feel better already. Pity party over, now to conquer the day..... which includes going to an art show that my 11 year-old granddaughter is taking part in. I can't wait! She, too carries, the family trait, and "the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree". Here's to her "uniqueness" and her creativity and the artist's soul that is in her. All is right in the world......
"Nature made us individuals, as she did the flowers and the pebbles; but we are afraid to be peculiar, and so our society resembles a bag of marbles, or a string of mold candles. Why should we all dress after the same fashion? The frost never paints my windows twice alike. ~Lydia Maria Child