"Any arbitrary turn along the way and I would be elsewhere; I would be different." ~ Frances Mayes

After losing 112 pounds in almost a year and a half, I have come to realize how very much I was missing. I may be Late to the Party, but I am doing my best to catch up in my own unique way!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Confession Friday - What if my last name was Chapman?

Where, oh, where does the time fly?  It seems like it was just yesterday that I confessed and here it is Friday again!  Time for me to have another go at confessing.... let's begin, shall we?

As you go about your everyday life, do you ever ask yourself  "Is this all there is?"  Well, of course, you do!  We all do - that's part of our human nature, to wonder what the unknown would be like.  What if I had a million dollars?  What if I lived in London?  What if I never met my spouse?  What if I had a different job?  I think most of us think about our lives in these terms, especially on Monday morning as we make the conscious decision of going to work or calling in sick.  Don't pretend it doesn't!  Just after the alarm goes off and before you pry your eyes open, you can't say that the thought of never having to go into work again doesn't make a brief appearance in your head!

Since we spend so much of our waking hours at our jobs, some of which are mundane and boring (not mine, mind you....I love my job) and some are stressful and all-consuming, what-if's can be a wonderful way to dream.  I have imagined myself as a bridal consultant, an inn keeper, an entrepreneur, Martha Stewart, a TV screenwriter, a Broadway actress, a famous author, a politician (it comes with the territory), a movie critic, a motivational speaker, a college professor, a newspaper columnist....and the list goes on and on.  Some of these are not a far stretch for my personality.  But then there are the professions that just don't quite mesh with who I am and what I feel.  For the most part, I am a chicken.  I want no part of being a policeman, fireman, soldier, a tightrope walker, trapeze artist, or anything that places me in dangerous scenarios.  Until.....

Picture this:  I am sitting in the relatively safe confines of my living room or bedroom flipping through the channels on the boob box with the remote.  You know how it is.....you're bored, you don't have a clue what you're looking for, you are restless but lazy.  Then, as you are racing through the stations, something catches your eye and it takes a moment for your brain to process that this might be interesting.  By this time, your thumb being quicker than your mind, you have to back up to find what exactly it was that fired up your brain cells.  And so that's how it happened......

I found Duane Chapman.  Got hooked on Duane Chapman.  Couldn't stop watching Duane Chapman.  (It was an AE marathon.)  I began to think about what it would be like to have his occupation. The more I watched, the more I liked Duane. I developed a weird sort of crush on Duane Chapman. Ah, Duane, you intrigue me.

Duane Chapman - that name might not mean anything at all to you. But maybe you might know Duane's alias.  Duane Chapman is the DOG.

Now, for you Georgia Bulldog fans, that is not the same as the UGA mascot.  Nope, this was no football game I was watching. This DOG is of the human form.  DOG, as in DOG, the Bounty Hunter. Dog, the mullet-sporting, leather vest and chain wearing, cuss word- flinging, tattooed reality television show star.  And before I knew it, I was thinking about what it would be like to be a bounty hunter.  In Hawaii. With Dog and his family.  Me, a bounty hunter with the last name of Chapman.

 Here - let me introduce you to my TV show fam:

I know, you might just have to watch it the second time to get the full effect.  Makes me want to strap on a gun, a pair of hand cuffs, a big-ass belt and go to the nearest tattoo shop!  However, I do draw the line at getting my hair cut in a mullet.  I'd rather shave it if I just had to get a bounty hunter hair-do.

Just so you know, Beth, his wife (my imaginary sister/aunt/stepmother/new best friend) has had a breast reduction, lost weight, is hard as nails but has a heart of gold. Baby Lyssa is married and bounty-hunted even when she was pregnant.  Duane Lee, Baby Lyssa and Leland are Dog's children from previous marriages - notice this is plural, as in five total.
There are younger children and they sometimes are on the show.  No, they don't take them on a chases...yet... but that might make for interesting television.  Maybe they could take them hunting down school kids playing hooky.

These are salt of the earth folks.  I love the fact that before they go out to catch a criminal, the family gathers round, holds hands and prays to the Lord for a safe chase, a good outcome, God's blessings.  And then Dog says something to the effect of "Now, let's go catch this bleepity-bleep-bleep slime ball!"  Duane freely admits he has a penchant for cuss words.  I think it comes with the territory, all that leather and chains and all.  But, he just as equally admits that he needs to work on that part of his faith.

So off they go to catch the bad guys that come in the form of drug dealers, car thieves, robbers, rapists, sometimes even killers.  Once caught, the punks are either resigned or defiant.  And depending upon the nature of their crimes and possibility of reform, Dog and Beth witness to them, tell them they are capable of changing their lives, express their own faith in God.  They know whereof they speak.  Dog is a former gang member, a really bad guy.  He served time in "the big house" for accessory to murder. Even his nickname is a remnant of his past.  A fellow gang member christened him with Dog, god spelled backward.  Beth, too, has been in jail for shoplifting, carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, disturbing the peace.  And if you follow my blog at all, you know by now that I am an absolute sucker for tales of epiphany, stories of people that make those 180 degree turns in their lives, find their redemption, save their souls and, in doing so, save others as well. Color me hooked.

And if that's not enough, the music that is featured each week ROCKS.  I'm not a huge fan of hard rock.  Except, of course, when I am watching Dog and then it just seems the only music that would make sense for his show.  I shudder to think what some of the lyrics are in the uncut versions of these songs. Ignorance is sometimes a good thing.

And that just about sums it up for this week's confession.  I am not a bounty hunter in real life, but it might be fun to play one on TV.  And if you see me wearing leather or sporting a wicked tattoo any time soon, just know that I either couldn't help myself or I have a new career.  And Dog,  I give up......you caught me! .


  1. Soo funny!!
    I am not a huge fan of the show but my special needs daughter loves it!!
    so much so she sneaks downstairs when we are asleep just to watch older episodes on our computer. It cracks me up that she figured out how to find it all on her own : )

  2. Great post. Dog the Bounty Hunter is fun to watch for sure. If you think you may have a penchant for the field, you'd enjoy the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. They are fun and funny.

    Have a great weekend!

  3. I learned something new about you. LOL. Can picture you in leather,chains, and tattoos.

  4. Oh, this post is great!!! And you're more than welcome to use the Miracle Box idea...and I hope that the people you make them for will be filling it up with miracles soon!!!

  5. Awesome post! I've actually not ever watched Dog the Bounty Hunter but my brother is obsessed!! Your post has almost made me want to watch it! LOL If you end up with that tattoo....share!!!

  6. Hahaha great post. Too funny.